Sad Mommy...

Same story, different day... This post is more for me than anything. I am not looking for sympathy but just need to get my thoughts out and maybe that will help me to deal with them... Monday I took Owen to the breastfeeding support group to be weighed and somehow he lost 8 oz in 4 days. He was back down below birth weight. On the Friday before he was almost 8 lbs. The upsetting thing is that he had been eating better - or so I thought. The lactation nurse wanted me to cut back from supplementing from 2 oz to just 1 oz after each feeding which I did progressively over the weekend. And we see what happened as a result of that... So - we are back to 2 oz (or more if he will take it) after every single feeding because I am not taking any chances this week. I know the group is there for support but it really just made this mommy very sad. We sat by 2 baby boys that were 6 weeks old (Owen is now 7 weeks) and they both weighed over 10 pounds. There was even a 4 day old baby that weighed more than him... And everyone keeps saying "Wow, he's so little!". Do they really think that is a good thing to say about a baby struggling to gain weight? I almost cry every time I take him out and someone asks me if he is about a week old... Despite all of this he is still a very happy baby. I just keep wondering if I should just give up and give him formula all the time. I don't want to keep him from gaining just because of my desire to be able to nurse him. There are so many things running through my head. I feel so inadequate as a mom... I feel like people are looking at me like I am a bad mom - the only way for a baby not to gain weight is for him not to be fed, right - and what kind of mom doesn't feed her baby... I am exhausted - physically and emotionally... and super stressed and I know that only makes things worse... I love him more than anything and only want to do what's best for him. Anyway - we go back on Friday to be weighed again so we are praying constantly that he will gain a ton of weight. At this point he has a lot of catching up to do.

Merry Christmas!

Looking at his future wife... :)
First Wedding...

Snuggling with Mommy...

Santa Outfit...

Sitting on Santa's lap...

It has been a busy weekend. Owen attended his first wedding. One of my long time friends called and told me she was getting married two weeks ago, then called and asked if I could sing in the wedding one week ago, then called and asked if I could do her hair the day before the wedding. So - that was a very crazy day. Then we had the Christmas program at church which was very entertaining. Cute story - the little girl in the top picture is my best friend's little girl, Kenadie. She has been very excited about Owen since before he got here and loves him so much. Anyway - one of the girls at church came and asked if she could hold him and took him up to her seat a few rows ahead of us. Kenadie watched her take him and instantly started crying, with big alligator tears. She was SO upset and thought that she was taking him. She kept saying "my Owen" and crying until her mom took her up to see him and reassured her that she would give him back. Pretty cute how protective she is of him...

Yesterday we made a trip to the doctor. Monday night he started sounding really congested and seemed like he was working a little to hard to breathe for his mommy's comfort. So - called the nurse and said if it was just congestion to use saline when doing the bulb syringe which I was doing anyway but I could bring him in if I wanted. I just didn't feel right so I took him in. From this visit I learned something very important - some people shouldn't be allowed to share their thoughts until they are verified... Before the doctor came in we had 2 medical students. They just heard him breathing and asked if he had been around anyone with RSV... which made his mommy almost start crying. They then said maybe they would just go get the test before doing anything else because that is really what it sounded like. They had seen two other babies that day that sounded like him and they had RSV - in their words. They went and asked the Doctor and he said he would like to listen to him first before doing the test. So - he came in and listened and watched him breathe for a while. He said the congestion is just in his nose and he can't seem to get it out. He told me to keep using the saline with the bulb syringe and put a vaporizer in his room. And today he sounds SO much better... Thank goodness for doctors who make mommies feel better... I have nothing against medical students - I know they have to learn but maybe these should learn to think before they talk...

Oh - an exciting thing happened this week! Owen can finally wear his 0-3 month clothes!!! We had him weighed on Friday and he was 7 lb 11 oz. This was especially exciting for mommy because he had SO many cute clothes that he couldn't wear! And they don't even make Christmas outfit's in anything smaller than 0-3...

Well, I should get busy...

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Love Matt, Kylie and Owen

One Month Old!!

One of my new favorite pictures...

I love my new toy!! It is lots of fun...

Sleeping... (and not on Mommy - amazingly!)

I am borrowing an idea from a friend of mine. On each month's birthday, she would take a picture of her son with a sticky note saying how many months old he was. She then posted them on her blog. It was really fun to see the changes every month and on his one year birthday she posted all 12 pics. So - we are going to attempt to do this with a small exception... I didn't have any sticky notes that didn't have flowers on them and have an overabundance of index cards, so they will be index card pictures instead of sticky notes... This picture turned out to be one of my favorites ever!

We went back to the doctor today - and again I wanted to cry when they put him on the scale. He only gained 2 oz this week. He is at least above 7 lb now, but 2 oz was not good enough to get him a one month appointment instead of one week- so it is back next week for another weight check. And in her words, she is "perplexed" and not sure what to think. She said she was going to pull his full PKU from the state and make sure that everything is normal. We are already supplementing with formula and I really don't know what else to do! I really thought he was eating really well this week and would have gained a lot. Most times he wants to eat every 2 hours and will eat for 25 - 30 minutes and then take an ounce of formula. I work around lots of babies who will not gain weight and it seems so easy there - and like it is usually just the parents doing something wrong either not feeding them enough or mixing the formula wrong or something. But now that it is my own I have to wonder if people would think the same thing about me - and am I doing something wrong? It is amazing how difficult it can be when it is your own...

Owen is getting to be so much fun now. He loves to sit and smile at daddy and loves to look at everything around him. He got a new play mat thanks to Great Grandpa Ted and he loves to lay on it and look very intently at everything. Well - he loves it until he realizes that he is not being held. Then it is not fun anymore. This week I have realized how pathetic he is about that - he will be laying in his bassinet and realize no one is holding him and start screaming. You would think something was really wrong. As soon as he feels mommy's arms, he is silent immediately. It is kind of cute and makes mommy feel good but is pretty pathetic.

Okay - Matt is home and time to eat dinner before running to church! Hope everyone is having a great week!!!

6 Pounds 14 Ounces!!

Sleeping on Daddy

Looking at Daddy

Wide awake

My first Thanksgiving

We went for yet another weight check yesterday and Owen has finally gained weight!! He now weighs 6 lb 14 oz. He gained 8 oz since last week. So - still a long way to go but we are finally making progress. All of his girl friends weigh at least a couple of pounds more than him - never thought he would be the little one! :) We go for his one month checkup next week and if he has still gained we do not have to go back for another month! I am sure he is very excited about that...

I can't believe that he will be 4 weeks old on Saturday! The time has gone so fast... Everyone tells you how fast they grow up but now I am starting to really realize it for myself. 4 weeks is also the halfway point of when I was planning to go back to work. And at this moment I cannot imagine having to leave him! It makes me almost cry just thinking about it so I guess I will just ignore it for a little while longer...

2 Weeks old...

Owen's first Sunday at Church

First Bath

Ready to leave the hospital

Sleeping on Mommy

Owen and Daddy

Okay - so I know I promised more pics and haven't done it! :( It is somewhat difficult to be able to type with only one arm and this little one does not really like to lay down by himself! Oh well - his mommy is very content to just hold him. And you can't spoil a newborn, right?

Owen goes for another weight check tomorrow because he cannot seem to be able to gain any weight. When we left the hospital he was down to 6 lb 11 oz and at last week's weight check he weighed 6 lb 8 oz. So - we are feeding him lots hoping that he will have gained some weight by tomorrow! If not I am sure they will make us supplement with formula or something... so we are praying hard that he has put on at least a little bit. Other than that he is doing really well. He is a very good baby and doesn't really fuss much unless he is hungry or his diaper needs changed. He finally slept in his bassinet for the whole night last night! It was a good night and mommy actually got to sleep in between feeding times! He has some problems with reflux and every time I would lay him down after feeding him he would sound like he couldn't breathe - so we had been keeping him in bed with us. I propped up the top end of his mattress and he sounds much better.

Okay - time for him to eat again! More soon, I hope! I will do my best! :)

Owen Henry Holt 11/8/08

We are so proud to announce that Owen arrived yesterday!!! He was born by C-Section at 4:31 PM weighing in at 7 lb 5 oz and 19 1/2 inches long. He is absolutely beautiful and perfect and doing wonderfully!

And plenty more to come!

If He Can Move the Mountains...

I had somewhat of a disappointing Dr. appointment this week... She told me that the baby is not as far down as she would like for being just a couple of weeks from due date - and that this tells her that there is a possibility that the reason his head is not down far enough is because it is too big. This also makes sense with all of the contractions that I continue to have that are doing nothing... Unfortunately - the only way to figure this out is to wait until labor starts and try and see if he will come out. And then if he won't - we will have to have a c-section. I don't think this sounds like a very fun idea... but there is nothing I can do about it and my hopes of going early are getting trampled with each coming day. She will also let me go a week past my due date before she will induce labor. So now, instead of being happy with having contractions because maybe labor was going to start it is really just frustrating! Anyway - I was worrying about this on the way to work one morning this week and listening to the Christian station as usual. A song came on that I love and I began singing - and when it got to the chorus it was as if God was using it to remind me that He is able to do anything...

Mighty to Save
by Hillsong
Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.
Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Saviour;
The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus (x2)

If He can move the mountains - He can certainly move this baby where he needs to be to have a safe delivery. Why do I not trust Him enough to remember that He is in control of even the smallest details of my life - if only I will let Him? Somehow I always try to figure things out on my own and after too much worrying, then give it to Him. If only I could remember to take it to Him first, then things would be so much easier... Now I am trying to rest knowing that He knows when this baby will come and all of the other details surrounding.